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September 2009



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Sep. 11th, 2009

Christmas Star

            That night we drove up to the Christmas star that lit the mountain in wintertime. But it was summer now, and it was dreadfully dark. Two of the boys I loved took us there, and we climbed in the black night, up to the Christmas star. I sat down under it, and we all spread out. The boy I knew I would love soon sat behind me to my left, and the boy I already loved stood to the right of me and smoked cigarettes. The other one climbed a tree. And we all sat there, silent, looking down into the lights of the town we loved so dearly this summer. 

            Sitting there four months ago, it did not cross my mind that this would soon end. That the music which brought me such ecstasy would no longer be right outside my door, beckoning me into the night and kissing me farewell in the early morning. The boys I loved would be gone or would forget that they ever cared much about me (or I would remember that they never did). I would be far away at the sullen end of town. Where trees are sparse and where there are no cafes with beautiful and terrifying souls. Soon I would take my guitar to my miserable little apartment, and after a few sad chords I'd put it away to rot, just like the summer would slowly rot away, and just as I would rot along with them.


            No, I did not think about that then, I couldn't fathom it, 'else I'd tear up and act like a fool. I just sat there in silence, unsure of whether it was a comfortable one or not. And I wondered what the boys I loved thought of that night. Maybe they thought of the things I wouldn't let myself think. Maybe of lovers come and gone. Maybe their own demons filled their minds that night, and they sat in lonesome, recalling how wretched everything really is. Or maybe they looked at our darling town in wonder and awe, silently joyous at the magnificence of it all. I know I felt that, along with anticipation of the long summer ahead, basking in the dreams of its potential. Foolishly, I let that summer live up to that potential, and now it is all gone. I am left a rotten, miserable, lonesome girl with nothing much to say. 

            If it seems that I have no hope, I understand. But it's just not true. Someday soon a new summer will start. I'll fall in love with other strange souls and they'll love me in their own way. Someone will think I'm dandy for a while; sing me their songs and kiss my face. And everything will continue in this circle. 

            Until someday one of those boys I come to love will want to stay for a while longer, and someday I won't be miserable and rotten. I'll just be me, and finally, somehow, it will be enough.

Apr. 29th, 2009


swept away from you
just when my world had become new
i finally carried all i love in my hands

how will i find peace down here
without my roses and clementines
without your eyes ever looking into mine

there is not music in these depths
the silence is more than i can bare
never again will you sing to me, nor will i run my fingers in your hair

i must find some kind of peace
i shall discard all our memories
try to float in this world, blankly, listlessly

but you in your selfishness, you had to come back
you and your damned chivalry tried to rescue me
and bring back the wounds, paintings of the world i had to leave

and you had to gaze into my eyes, with your crystal tears shining
and i could do nothing but gaze back with torturous longing
how will i ever find peace now?

the image of your pained face is etched in my mind
for eternity, i'll float in these depths
with only thoughts of my flowers, music, and you, my love ___________________________________________________________________________
please, never come back here
i only long to touch your face
but i never will
and i love you
i want you
and nothing will ever be again
nothing will ever be again.
ever again
leave me here
stop looking into me
stop reminding me that i am so wrong
i do everything wrong
i only wanted you to sing in my ear
i wanted you to kiss my fears
tell me i'm silly
not to worry
i love you
i love you
and nothing will ever be again. ________________________________________________________________________________________
o, god, send me away. finally, i am no longer able to discard these children, my walls are crumbling. the callouses i have obtained from his continual torture are not strong enough. not anymore.

so take me somewhere new. where i do not have to fear these lies anymore. where there will be no need to remember any of this. where i can finally sit in the sun, in the quiet, where only the music fills my ears, my heart, my soul. where i will remain peaceful, no need to remember the thorns of the past. where my callouses can diminish, where i will have no need for them. not anymore.

i mustn't fall in love with such fickle things. i know my own heart, it is not fickle, and the love i have for these fields, these trees, and the songs, it will never waver. not like they will, they always will. so take me away from these unsure children, o god, take me away.
no other way to explain.
my dreams, now, are only of you
my thoughts are of when next i will see you
i fear the day when you leave, though it is far from now

your laugh sends me to places not of this world
your eyes, i cannot look away when they look into mine
too deep, in too deep
i miss you, even now. please come sit by me

and i torture myself, thinking this way
i know it will never be what i want it to be
i can't change into who both of us want me to
you'll never fall into me or give in, like i so wish you would

i see the walls you put up, i see they are too strong for me
yet, sometimes the smiles you give me make me second guess..
i bask in the beauty and hope of that one moment
but, i know it will not last, i know i will find it elsewhere, someday

i must stop dreaming of these things, they will never be
i'll never know you. you don't want to know me
and these things, there is no other way to explain
except for in the phrase, "I love you."

i am a fool.

Apr. 7th, 2009

Feelings of Meh

I have been feeling strange.  I feel like I'm not as smart as I want to be, so even if I did break out of my shell, the people I'm interested in wouldn't be interested in me.  I don't know, maybe it's because I think that way that that would happen, and I actually am smart.  I just need to get back into having deeper conversations.  It's been so long since I have.

I would like to fall in love again.  Since my last boyfriend, men have just been using me it seems.  And I fall for it all the time.  I hope this one isn't using me.  So far it doesn't seem like it.  He takes it slow, he is kind to me, he does small, sweet things in the midst of steamy sessions.  I want something real again.  I'm not asking for forever, but I want to fall in love and have a connection with someone.  

I wanted to write today, but I couldn't find inspiration or anything to write about.  It made me feel depressed for some reason.  I want to write wonderful, breathtaking poetry.  Mine all end up sounding generic, though.  And if they aren't generic, they can't be made into a song, which is what I really want to write, songs.

But life, in general, is good.  I'm lucky to be healthy and alive and have such opportunities and such good friends.  Things have certainly improved, so I shouldn't complain.  But sometimes you just need to vent, you know?

Mar. 20th, 2009

At least I didn't fall in love

I met you a little over a year ago. There was instant attraction between us both, and since then my feelings for you have been on a roller coaster ride. Sometimes I would let myself feel the way I truly did, other times I’d suppress the feelings and feign, even to myself, that the feelings had left. The suppression of these feelings was going well, until you had to kiss me that Friday and said you had wanted to for a long time. I was blissed out and blinded by those words. I ignored the fact that you only acted this way towards me when you were drunk. Of course you were still nice to me when sober, but you didn’t act like you were attracted to me in the way I was to you.

Those two nights we spent together were some of my favorite nights ever. Even better were the mornings. I loved lying in bed all day, sharing a few stories with each other, learning little bits about you and how alike we are in some ways. I loved how my heart beat so fast at the thought of touching you, your body just inches from mine. But I wouldn’t dare, unless you did first. I will miss the little things that I’m certain won’t happen anymore, like when you rest your head on my knee, or put your feet in my lap. I have ruined this for myself, and I know it. I am not compelled to cry or wallow in self-pity, though. I know that I will move on again and find someone. I also know that for these remaining 2 or so years, I will have to see you 3 days a week for two hours each. And though I may suppress the feelings again, they will linger in my mind. And I know I’ll yearn to touch the small of your back, or place my hand on your arm, or stare into your eyes as I touch your cheek. My heart will beat wildly if I must stand next to you and hear you sing into my ear again. But this will be much better than never getting to see you again, I would much prefer this to that. I won’t hurt; I will just go back to how I felt before.

Yes, maybe I shouldn’t feel this way towards you anymore, you did lead me on very much, you know. But I couldn’t bring myself to stay angry at that fact, and I have just decided we had different ideas about what this whole thing was, and I was simply more into you than you were into me. I would most likely welcome you back easily if you changed your mind. I won’t be angry at you unless you really do something horrible. I’ll attend all your shows and hope that your goals are reached. I’m forever a fan.

I could have fallen very much in love with you. At least we didn’t let that happen.

My first song

Wrote it a couple days ago.  I don't really like the lyrics.  They are way too cheesey.  oh well


I guess I should have told you
I guess you didn't know
That the long dirt road with broken glass
Would never lead you home

And now you're at my doorstep
With calloused toes and bloody feet
And I wish someone had told you
That life can be so sweet

Oh, my girl
My beautiful girl
I will douse your feet in water
I will warm your weary bones
I will kiss the tear trails on your cheeks
And laugh with you again
Then I'll set you on your feet
And send you out the door
I'll point in her direction,
But I cannot lead you home

You told me how you hate her
How her heart is made of stone
You say "I do not love her"
As your callouses crack

And then you fall into my arms
And beg to be led back
But you know where I will point to
And you know you won't go back...
To your home

Oh, my girl
My beautiful girl
I will douse your feet in water
I will warm your weary bones
I will kiss the tear trails on your cheeks
And laugh with you again
Then I'll set you on you feet
And send you out the door
I'll point in her direction,
But I will not lead you home

I know I should have told you
That your heart, it is her own
And I should have told you,
She's the only one who knows what's in your soul

I could have said "When you lose the way
And feel life cavin in,
She will hold you close and make it all okay"
Yeah, I should have told you,
But would you have listened, anyway?

Oh, my darling girl
I point in her direction when you arrive on my street
But will you ever make it home?

First post.

So, I don't really know much about blogging.  But I want somewhere to post my writing where people will read it, but also where I don't know any of the people that will read it!  Haha.  Writing is very theraputic for me.  I may not do this correctly, I don't know.  I plan on posting potential song lyrics, events in my life that cause me to feel passionate (whether it be happiness, love, sadness).  I don't think I will treat this like a diary, though.  Thanks.